Abort mission jumpsuit!

Of all the outfits in the world, there is only one I really admire, but can never dream of having in my closet; at least never again.

Relax, sit back, I'll tell you why.

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Early last year, I got an invitation to a family frielative's (Chuckle when you get it) wedding. It was a much anticipated one so when I got the invite, I was over the moon in excitement primarily because I was single and was determined to catch some fish -if you know warramean- therefore, I was going to dress to kill. This was not my first 'fish catching' mission but this was going to be my last because I was going to catch one, definitely a whale.

"Ah! Uyo? You will see pepper, you don't even need to travel to yoruba land o I will serve you!"

I chuckled within myself as I quickly dropped the invite card and picked up my phone to browse pepper dem ankara designs. Indeed, I was gonna turn heads 365°!

I felt it in my guts and everywhere within me that I was going to win this time but no matter how many catalogs I searched on the internet, I just couldn't find what I wanted: something different, something extraordinary, something unique, something chic, something bold, something sexy, something exquisite, something classy, to name a few specs. All the gowns I saw were too complicated or under complicated or too office like. No! I just needed something different so I headed to other outfits and my eyes caught jumpsuits. I hesitated a little bit because I never had one in my closet before but as the saying goes; FASHION IS LIKE EATING, YOU SHOULDN'T STICK TO ONE MENU, i decided to give it a try.

In no time, I found a not so complicated style that matched all my specs seriously as well as my body type and I immediately took screenshots and forwarded it to my tailor to bring it to life as soon as possible -as It was just two weeks to the wedding- then I took my time to give him details about how I wanted the jumpsuit to be even if I had given him a picture of the front, side and back view.

"oga o no room for mistake in this one at all! This rope of this place ehn, make it longer, let it run under here and come out here and go over here...this one too....let it be smaller here and bigger here but not so big...no...you are not understanding me o...I don't like it this way, I want it this way...my bumbum won't show that way, let it be this way so it will show..."

I went on and on and on.

As the days grew nearer and with my tailor giving me exactly what I wanted to the latter, my excitement only grew bigger and bigger. I got my hair done, my nails done, got new contact lenses, amethyst tinted to be precise - I mean what's the use of fishing when you won't see the type of fish you want clearly- so that when I looked at you with my foxy eyes, you can never ever not swoon. In fact, I swore I would even step into the wedding in slow motion Bollywood got nothing on me! I even started exercising and dieting too just so I could fit into the outfit and look peng ting peng ting.

On the eve of the wedding, I headed straight to my tailor's shop. He never disappoints so my outfit was more than ready and it was exactly what I wanted; everything in it's exact place. I couldn't hold myself from crushing on the girl I saw in the mirror.

"Madam! This one, are you the bride's sister? Abi you're the bride?"

My tailor inquired and i smiled to myself. This was exactly what I wanted, I needed people to ask about Me.

" Don't worry, at the end of the day you won't be the only one asking the question" I said quietly to myself.

The next day,-being the wedding day- I reckon I was more excited than the couple themselves. I woke early, exercised, drank some green and slimming tea but ate nothing else then I made sure I used and reused the toilet so I wouldn't need to get out of my outfit till I got back home. I finished bathing and walked rather sadly but still excitedly to the mirror, admiring myself bit by bit.

"Today is the day! The last day of you being single!"

I kept reassuring myself although I knew I wasn't going to the wedding with a good intention. I mean I wasn't actually really pumped up about getting a guy because I had just gotten out of a relationship and just needed time to be free and be me, I was just tired of being the only one not in a relationship amongst my friends. At least, let me also join the 'dating geng'.

Soon it was time to dress up and I took my time to apply my makeup, ensuring that there wasn't any mistake and that my lashes were as long as my legs. When I was done, I picked up my jumpsuit and looked at it with pleasure and pride.

"Oh how beautiful I will look! But where do they wear this thing from...oh there it is! Invisible zip...there there Abigail!...take it easy o...don't ruin anything abek!...put your leg here...no o...remove it madam! This rope...this rope...ahah where is it suppose to tie?..."

By God's grace -if I would say so myself- I finally dressed up successfully and together with my friends, we entered a cab and in no time we were on our way. Due to the fact that we, especially I had spent a lot of time applying makeup and tying myself up in my jumpsuit, we missed the wedding proper and so we headed straight to the reception venue; this, is actually a norm in Akwa Ibom state where people go to receptions more than they do the church wedding because, I mean that's where the owambe proper is, ask anyone.

"Are you comfortable in this? Won't you need to pee or something? Can you even eat or dance well?" One of my friends kept asking along the way. I looked very beautiful to say the least but one also had to wonder how I got into the outfit or how I would get out of it and if I was comfortable enough in it. So, she was just concerned.

"I'm fine my love, don't stress yourself"

I reassured her with a proud smolder.

We got to the venue at about 12:15pm and although the newly weds had not been called up yet, other guests were trooping in dressed beautifully and the event center was buzzing with festivity, excitement and love. Hair flying, check! Nails, check! Slow motion, check! Catwalk, check! Hips swaying, check! I got out of the car and went into the hall. Everything I had done paid off because the ushers were all over me saying

"Please sit here ma'am,...have a drink ma'am...what's your order ma'am"

It actually felt good to a point but the attention was getting overwhelming and I had began to feel slightly uncomfortable however, I carried on.

As at 2:02pm the couple were still not in and I had began to get impatient because I was hungry. As I sat salivating and watching how others ate and how I would not be able to do same because I didn't want to ruin my lipstick or increase my stomach by an inch, I wondered if my going extra miles in order to fish was really necessary. I mean the fishes here were not actually what I wanted so why the stress? Why don't I quit? After a while, I did not even make an attempt to do anything other than sit and mind my business because I was so disappointed. Soon, 2:30pm came and I couldn't control my hunger anymore, I just wanted to eat so I ordered for a plate of my all time favourite south southern delicacy; hot afang Soup and fufu and ate seriously but carefully like a total pro. I mean I wasn't going to fish on an empty stomach! Who would date my fish if I was to faint?

By 2:45pm I was done eating and drinking to my satisfaction and had stretched some ropes of my jumpsuit here and there then I sat back and relaxed feeling so satisfied with myself that even though I didn't catch any fish anymore, I had eaten and the couple were outside ready to dance in. In my extreme state of hunger I had forgotten I'm not supposed to take sugar, else I'll pee and pee. So, Initially, it started with a small movement in my stomach and before I could understand what was happening, my bladder started giving off notifications to my brain that it needed to be empty, and then my bowels joined too. Wait, what did these people put in their food and drink? I wasn't only to do number 1 but I was to do number 2 as well! You guys, I was wearing a jumpsuit with invisible zip and ropes in public, how was I to remove it?

I turned to one of my friends who sat across the table and tried to give her some eye signals but she was busy enjoying the cool music and getting excited to receive the couple who had begun dancing in. I mean she did warn me didn't she? I sat and kept shifting uneasily on my seat but nobody seemed to notice; Should I go to the rest room of which I knew there wasn't any? or should I go to my mother's house which was very very far from the venue? When I couldn't hold it much longer, I stood up and blended in the crowd and slipped my way out of the hall -too bad I couldn't even see the couple dance in and showcase their love as I had hoped for- then I half walked and ran to the road where I tried to get a Keke or taxi or something but no one was willing to go my direction. I spent about 10 minutes on the road and I could feel my insides about to explode.

Ladies and gentlemen, when I got to the house, I wasn't with enough transport on me and I hadn't my purse too because I had dropped it with one of my friends in haste.

You see this story, I will stop it here. How I settled the Keke man and finally peeled the cloth off my body without messing up myself was a mystery. Please sew what you can wear and remove easily, and tailors please always open a small hidden part under there In case of emergencies, thank you!